One last post

I've been Thinking for the past few days about us. About how you were not as happy as how you're now. It wasn't about how long we've been together but how we stood through for each other all this while. How I stood through your army days with you,  the tough times with you but that did not made you feel happy,  at least happier as compared to now. Maybe you had higher expectations for me. Now you just let someone who hasn't been through as much as i did with you, make you happier instead. I get everything, you could've told me that you were seeing someone else.

You told me you were not ready to be friends just yet, but initially when we broke up, you told me we could still be best of friends like how we were before we got together. I took that, but it was awkward to sound out to you because you were equally awkward towards me.

I don't hate basketball, all the things you did, Thinking I really hate it made me showed you that I hate it because that was what you want and think who I really am and that was what I really hate. I knew you played basketball since day one, but did I dislike basketball initially? No. I still allowed you to go ahead. It was when we got together sometime Later you said I dislike you thought I disliked you playing ball, so I made it look like I didn't like it. If I didn't like you playing ball, would I sit Once at the court seeing you play ball, I wouldn't have made the effort to play basketball just that one time with you when you know how I'm not a sports person, I wouldnt have gone down to your that one match. I wouldn't have gone all the way to tanah merah, one of the schools up the hill somewhere I'm not familiar with alone just to fetch you after training when you were all smelly and sweaty. I wouldn't have let you see your basketball shoes and gave you comments bout them. I wouldn't have hear you talk about all the different players and teams you loved. I wouldn't have watched basketball videos with you once in awhile. I wouldnt have went up and down in Taiwan just to look for Jerseys for you. I wouldn't have ran all the way to orchard just to look for a Jersey you like during our second year when you know I hated the crowd so much. I wouldn't have asked your friend to keep a look out for basketball things because you always envy that they had it all. I wouldn't have bought those things for you during Christmas 2014. Do you remember? I know nuts about basketball but still I did tried. Were you truly happy when you told me you were?

Remember your POP day? All that's in your Mind was that I did not went down to take a picture with you. Remember I napped for half and hour because I was afraid to sleep and be late for your POP and that your parents didn't know how to get there, that I was the only one who could bring them there? Remember my ears was having that f*cking painful infection on that day of your POP that I had to go for a little surgery for it few days later? The sun was burning my ear when i sat there looking out for you during your POP, tho i couldnt see anything. Yes I mentioned about not going down to take a photo with you because your mom also mentioned something about not going down Cause it was smelly, how could I throw them there alone? I'm not blaming anyone, all I wanted you to know that I've put in effort which you didn't realised and I don't want you to tell your friends I made no single effort. I wanted to fetch you from camp a few times, you pushed me away, telling me its ok, afraid i'm tired, i thank you for your understanding because i always work late at that time. I just want you to know that i really did made the effort but you pushed me away. You just don't notice little things I do for you.

Remember how I used to travel to your school just to pick you up from school? Remember I used to sit there with you for your final year project? Remember I went all the way with you to get your cert from school? I guess you've forgotten all this because it was almost 3 years back.

Did you appreciate all this little things I did for you? Did you even notice and remembered that I Once tried?

I've stopped because I was tired from work and I know you'll find it quite a bullshit, but I had been working and schooling day and night, I've been holding a job from 12-930pm daily, 6 days/ 5 days a week.

All I wanted was to spend more time with you.

I'm not trying to fight for anything, not to prove that I'm better than any of them. I just want you know I did try. I don't want you to leave Thinking I did nothing for you, other then my Stupid attitude towards you. I want you to know I was faithful and loyal to you since day one and never have I thought of cheating on you. All I want was you to feel happy with me. My temper isn't great, I've let you seen the worse of me how crazy I could be but I couldn't help it, I couldn't control myself. Sometimes my temper scares even me.

I really loved you a lot but I'm sorry I didn't show you that I really do.

Nobody understood me and what I've went through, what I've sacrificed, all they see was how good you were to me. No one saw how faithful I was, how I cared about you still after what you've done over and over again, which everyone thinks I'm petty and that was nothing to get angry over. All I was looking for was a loyal and faithful rs with you. Never Once have I done what you did to me, but who understood and saw all this? Why was I over sensitive, over protective? Shouldn't I be when you broke the trust over and over again, never tried to build it back? Well we still ended after all this.

I'm really happy to see how someone made the effort to make you happy when all I did was tore you apart. I'm happy that at least someone shares the same interest as you now. We weren't meant for each other but we still held on to nothing. Sounds ridiculous but I enjoyed your stay with me all the time.

We used to be madly in love but now I'm all torn apart and nothing feels right anymore. I've been holding on to this because when you said you wanted the freedom now, and who knows we will get back together again someday, I took your words seriously. I was stupid enough to have told you I didn't believed in that when all this while those words you said are still on my Mind. I cried, Im lost, I tried to bring myself back up but everytime I tried, certain things you do just tore me apart again. I'll stop looking up on your twitter/ ig / re-read you tumblr. Everything there made me happy but tore me apart at the same time. I've not given up on us till the day I knew someone else made you happy again. I have to give up and get on with life now. You no longer need me and I no longer have any rights to need you anymore.

I wasn't angry at you when I've found out about her with you, I don't get why I'm not even angry when I should be, as usual. Maybe That's what they all say, you're really hurt this time round that you don't feel a thing anymore.

All our friends expected me to be angry, Thinking that I'll be angry when I knew about this. All I want was to meet you and have a closure to us if you want to go on with someone else. I will not beg you to stay or want us back anymore, neither will I want to meet you and ask you to put a closure to us anymore.

I hope everyone would stop expecting me to be angry, I can't do it. All I want is everyone to stop talk bout me and you, because It's over and we're done with each other. There's nothing to talk about us anymore.

I'm not angry with you that you've found someone better neither am I angry that I'm not frustrated at you at all. I just can't find the anger in me anymore.

This roller coaster ride had come to an end and I thank you for that, because through this i've learnt how to be a nicer person to everyone.

I hope you'll read this one day, and that I'll not talk about us anymore anywhere visible or to anyone. This is all I wanted you to know and my closure to you. Hope this girl will bring you true happiness and never hurt you like I did. I Guess no one will ever be as bad as me for treating you that way and taking you for granted every single time, making you suffer so much. You're truly the best I had and the greatest impact in my life. X.